Grinding My Gears

I'm having major focusing problems today. I can tell because when I was getting down to work yesterday I was sailing through it like old times and wasn't even getting distracted by Twitter or Facebook shenanigans. I know what the difference is today though as I sit at my kitchen table and eat a toasted PB&J while I reflect on why my mind keeps going over certain things. I'm becoming an "adult" and it's kind of freaking me out a little.

What I mean is that it's not necessarily stuff going on in me that somehow makes me an "adult" now that's making me unsettled, it's seeing how other people react to me and treat me that is causing me to feel a little weird. It could be that since I'm getting back on my feet again and am rejoining the economy in a way that maybe I'm losing that youthful vulnerability I had gained when I got laid off. And by that I mean getting laid off knocked me down a couple pegs and back down to the mentality and demeanor of a struggling college kid again.

People were really nice to me wherever I went without knowing anything about me, people were a bit more helpful and open (maybe the whiff of defeat mixed with new ambition helped out with that, who knows), but now things have started to drop off a little and two particular things are really kind of messing with me a little.

I went to this festival today for lunch where I met up with a friend of mine. We were standing in line to get some pizza and one of the pizza staff was handing out paper plates to all the people waiting in line. Now, I overheard the guy ahead of me request a bunch of plates and the pizza staff guy said "how many, 6, 7...what?" He then handed him his plates. It's my turn next and I said nicely "oh, just one for me." As I make a grab for the plate he's giving me, he continues to hold it and tugs back a little and then says "well that's all I was going to give you anyway, I don't know what you were thinking."

Now you can say that that was the guy messing with me a little or flirting maybe, but that kind of hurt a little. I laughed it off at the time, but in my head I was like "f*ck you dude, I was just trying to be cordial, and if that was your attempt at becoming a comedian I suggest you keep your pizza day job." *grumble*

The second thing that's still rattling around in my head is what happened last night when I went to go visit a friend's studio. His studio is in a building with other artists and they were having an open house, so you can mill around, have a drink or two and get to expose yourself to different types of artwork. Everyone was pretty cool, but I did notice everyone started out very standoffish to me. Not making any eye contact, not responding to anything I asked or said, even after offering praise to one of them concerning their artwork I just got blank stares. I guess saying "wow, I really like your stuff" was not the "cool" thing to say. *grumble*

Then, one artist started playing The Downward Spiral which honestly did go along well with his type of deconstructionist art even though it did seem a bit odd to start playing it at that moment of time. I guess they are just THAT angsty and rebellious, so angsty and rebellious that when I asked them about their interest in NIN, they were just too cool for school to answer me and actually made fun of me that I knew some things about the music and the band. I apparently was "kind of creepy." I'm sorry if it's "creepy" to try to start a conversation with people that may have a shared interest in something with me. I guess all conversations should start with praise to you followed immediately by how awesome I think you are, then followed by if you would like some beer or weed or something like that. I guess I did not get the new hipsters memo in the mail regarding how to properly greet an "artist."

Listen, I think your art is fabulous, I really do. But boyo, you need to get just a little bit more exposure first before you start playing the celebrity card. And even then, what is it to be cordial to people looking at your art for the first time? I know Andy Warhol and Keith Harring weren't exactly PC, but they were at least cordial to people visiting their studios. Basquiat used to sell his work in order to pay rent for Christ's sake, so don't get too holier than though newbie.

So yeah, I'm a little raw as to how I'm getting treated by some people. It could be just me, maybe I'm cranky today and giving off a weird vibe of "please treat me like an asshole," but it still hurts. Especially when you appreciate art and new artists in general and were just trying to get exposed to new things in order to spawn some creativity on your end.

I am not your emotional punching bag, OK. Don't project your feelings of inadequacy and mediocraty onto me just because you see me as a "square" or someone that just wouldn't understand. Never judge a book by it's cover; you have no idea of my struggles and abilities or interests so instead of putting me down because it makes you feel better or cooler, maybe we can talk and get to know one another and broaden each other's horizons a little.